Relatively Amusing Craigslist Posting

I was just poking around the ole craigslist when I happened upon these free chairs. I don't think the author is incredibly clever or anything, I just appreciate when people do things such as what follows. He doesn't expect any credit or want praise. He just feels like writing.

**Free, worthless, ugly, tattered, neglected chairs**

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Reply to: sale-199498229@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-08-27, 8:37AM PDT


They'd kick me off of Craigslist just for putting a picture of them here.

That's how friggin' ugly they are.

One is an office armchair on wheels. Not even an executive hobo would want to sit on it. About the only thing it would be good for would be to tie your mother-in-law or life insurance agent to it and send them cascading down a steep hill. Actually, it might be worth something because it could make for a great video on YouTube or something.

The other chair is even worse. It's one of those 1950s or '60s or maybe even '70s dinnette set chairs with the butt-worn seat and the dandruff-infested back covered in naugahide.

What a shame when you think about it that some poor, helpless defenselss nauga had to give his life so that kids with jelly smeared all over them could park their dirty little backsides on it while they look at milk cartons and wish that they could feel wanted enough to have their pictures on them.

The guy who rented my little house (and stiffed me for the last month's rent) removed all of his junk except this vomitous dinnette chair. I was thinking of cutting it up so that I can eventually put it in the trash, but I thought about some of the really ugly and pathetic people I've known and I realized that being ugly enough to make a freight train take a dirt road is not a crime. If it were, I'd have been put away a long time ago. Even my mother thought I was ugly. She used to sit me down on the back porch and feed me with a slingshot.

I know what you're saying. "Hey Bud, you just don't want to do the dastartdly act yourself -- you want someone else to put an end to the miserable lives of your two chairs. Where's you backbone? It's just like the beef and the pork and the lamb you scarf down, isn't it? It doesn't bother you a bit that Bossie the Cow or Porky Pig or Mary's little lamb had to stand hoof-deep in animal waste and never saw the light of day until some guy with an electronic prod shoved them into a truck and told them they were going on the Soto Street tour of the Vernon packing houses. 'You'll love Farmer John's murals,' he probably told them. But as long as you didn't get to know them, it's OK to throw them on the barbecue? You're sick and you should have to sit on those chairs in hell -- that is if it weren't cruel and unusual punishment for the helpless chairs."

Hey, you can use all of the guilt on me you want, but I'm still going to try to find a good home for the chairs. And one more thing: if I didn't eat that meat, somebody else would, wouldn't they?

And how do you know somebody might not come along and decide that both of the chairs are authentic representatives of urban Americana? Won't you be eating crow when you see some gloating pentagenarian telling the entire vegan audience of "Antiques Roadshow" that he got these two Burbankesque items for free from some guilt-ridden patsy who couldn't find his medication on a Sunday morning?

And now that I think of it, what the hell are people doing eating crow? Anwyay?